What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
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I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.