today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
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All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
U talkin 2 me?
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
“i miss shittin on people”
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?