If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
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frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!