My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
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*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Meowchelangelo
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.