Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
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Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .