Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
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*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.