Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
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Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.