Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
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Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.