These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
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[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I hope this email punches you square in the face
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.