Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
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If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.