Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
You Might Also Like
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb