*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
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І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?