I’ve had worse
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I should wash my van
We could use the rain
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.