Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
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You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
*aggressively waits in line*
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves