We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
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I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I cannot stop laughing at this
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
every single time
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning: