He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
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There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.