If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
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Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Mornin
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*