[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
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Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Do not levitate over flowers
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this