I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
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Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I only treason on days ending in y
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.