[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
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Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Living the best life.. 😊
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.