Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
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My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
i wish we could shoplift online
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!