Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
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Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.