Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
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I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Squirrels before girls.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s