Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
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My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young