[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
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I thought this was funny lol
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Krampus.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Beware…..
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.