I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
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Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute