The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
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Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
How to wake up a Beagle
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.