Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
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i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
❤️❤️❤️
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.