After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
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THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit