I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
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I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
shit just got real
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.