10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
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Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
The glory of fall.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!