Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I think we should hear other voices.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.