Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
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[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
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Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
This anagram machine is out of order.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that