Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
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These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.