my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
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When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
My loaf of bread looks terrified
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.