Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
You Might Also Like
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Spell check is for lasers.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
“Wait, let me explain..”
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers