[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
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app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.