a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
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Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Godspeed, John Glenn
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘