interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
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Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Merry Christmas
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan