i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
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Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?