I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
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Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.