If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
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A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Straight people are cancelled
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.