st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
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The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
having children is a pyramid scheme.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*