me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
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Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Thank you corporation very cool
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?