[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
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Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
“Sheer Arrogance”
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
work smarter, not harder
not seeing the problem
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔