10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
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Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Not😆🤣
A game married people play.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
No laws when master is gone
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments