“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
You Might Also Like
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.