Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
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Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
You’ll be OK
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.