Shower sex be like:
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Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents