{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
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Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it